Regulating our emotions is a skill many believe we should have mastered by adulthood. Yet, for many, it remains a lifelong challenge. Sometimes our emotions overwhelm us during life-or-death situations, other times in mundane stress, and sometimes for reasons we can’t even identify. After an outburst, we often feel disappointment in ourselves.
I’ve noticed that during extreme stress, my emotions are more controlled. Survival instincts kick in, keeping me focused, direct, and in control. It’s after the crisis that I struggle, finding it difficult to pull back from the emotional edge.
Understanding Emotional Regulation
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc, in her article Emotion Regulation (Simply Psychology, 2023), defines emotional regulation as:
“The processes individuals use to manage and respond to their emotional experiences in appropriate and adaptive ways. It encompasses strategies to amplify, maintain, or decrease one’s emotional responses.”
We all understand why emotional regulation matters. When we manage our emotions effectively, we respond rather than react, think clearly, and lead responsibly—whether at work, in relationships, or within our families.
Emotional dysregulation occurs when we lose this control. It doesn’t mean shutting off emotions—doing so can lead to anxiety, depression, resentment, and clouded thinking. Rather, emotional regulation allows us to influence our behavior, even in the face of uncontrollable events.
Why Emotional Dysregulation Happens
Poor emotional regulation can arise from:
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Traumatic childhood experiences
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Life-altering events like war or personal trauma
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Mental health disorders
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Neurodevelopmental conditions
Behavioral signs of emotional dysregulation include:
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Detachment from groups
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Desensitized reactions
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Seething anger or vicious outbursts
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Rash behaviors
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Substance abuse
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Isolation
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Self-harm
The Experimental Avoidance Model (EAM) by Chapman, Gratz, and Brown helps explain this internal process.
The Dysregulated Emotion Cycle
The cycle typically begins with a trigger: traffic, a child’s poor grade, or a project error. Emotional dysregulation produces intense feelings, physical intensity, and mental hypervigilance.
To cope, individuals may attempt avoidance, which can lead to shame, failure, or self-harm. Temporary outbursts like yelling or derogatory statements may provide brief relief, but the cycle resets with the next trigger.
Strategies to Break the Cycle
Interrupting the cycle allows for positive thoughts and emotional control. Some effective techniques include:
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Name the emotion – Identifying emotions prevents escalation of negative thoughts.
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Recognize and understand the emotion – Awareness of emotional dysregulation helps you respond thoughtfully.
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Validate the emotion – Accepting your feelings reduces fear and self-criticism.
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Identify and resolve triggers – Understanding triggers reduces emotional reactivity.
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Use chair work dialogue – Engage in imaginary conversations between parts of yourself (e.g., angel vs. devil) to explore behavior and triggers.
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Use imagery to transform emotions – Revisiting and reframing past triggers promotes forgiveness and emotional resolution.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation in Stressful Times
During periods of high stress and uncertainty—be it personal, professional, or societal—maintaining emotional regulation is essential. It allows you to navigate crises without contributing to chaos, emerging as a resilient leader others can rely on.
Sharing feelings with trusted individuals is crucial. Attempting to “push through” when agitated, aggressive, or overwhelmed is unhealthy. As in airplanes: put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.
Support and Resources
If you or someone you know struggles with emotional regulation, you are not alone. Mental health professionals are available to help. For immediate assistance in the U.S., call 988.
Engage and Reflect
I invite you to share your thoughts or challenges with emotional regulation in the comments below, and leave an emoji to reflect your experience.
For further discussion or resources, feel free to connect via my LinkedIn profile.
Wishing you a day of mental clarity, emotional balance, and resilience as you navigate the journey of life.