People pleasing is the act of making others happy to avoid conflict or negative feelings—even if you don’t like what you’re doing. (2025)
Unless you are completely incapable of understanding others’ needs, we’ve all behaved in ways that maximize our own suffering to make someone else happy.
Think about it:
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A mother planning a birthday party for her 7-year-old, who insists on inviting all 32 classmates.
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A partner attending an event they have no interest in, just to see their spouse happy.
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Going to a bar with a friend after a terrible week, when all you want is ice cream and a Hallmark movie—but your friend needs a co-pilot.
We’ve all done it. But what if you’re a chronic people pleaser? Someone who constantly puts others before themselves?
Understanding Chronic People Pleasing
Chronic people pleasers are often described by a trait called Sociotropy (2018):
The tendency to value relationships over personal independence, leaving one vulnerable to anaclitic depression—intense fears of abandonment and helplessness—when relationships are lost or challenged.
Research shows that women in Western societies are more likely to engage in people pleasing due to cultural expectations of being “natural” nurturers. In collectivist societies, however, the responsibility for group happiness is shared more equally, making extreme people pleasing less gendered.
Two Types of People Pleasers
According to Charlie Huntington (2025):
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The Performer: Goes the extra mile to make others feel good, over-apologizes, and may risk their own well-being to avoid conflict.
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The Minimizer: Downplays achievements or abilities so others don’t feel inferior. For example, claiming a degree or award isn’t a big deal to avoid making someone else feel inadequate.
People pleasing is not inherent. It’s learned or developed, often rooted in fear rather than a secure sense of self.
Why People Pleasing Happens
Aaron Beck (1983) notes:
People pleasers are overly invested in gaining acceptance from others, seeing it as only coming from positive social interactions. Negative interactions feel unbearable.
Other causes include:
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Socialization: Learned from family, school, and society.
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Trauma: Past emotional wounds create hypersensitivity, like a sunburn—you avoid anything that might cause pain.
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Anxiety or Depression: People pleasing can temporarily reduce the discomfort of low self-esteem or emotional distress.
The Consequences of People Pleasing
From personal experience and research, chronic people pleasing can lead to:
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Burnout
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Higher anxiety levels
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Depression
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Loss of sense of self
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Resentment and suppressed anger
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Difficulty forming intimacy or mutual respect
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Disconnection from one’s identity and purpose
I experienced this first-hand at 19, dating someone I admired. I gave up my identity to make him feel better, appeasing to the point where I didn’t even recognize myself. I was the performer, the pleaser, the comforter… who was I?
Overcoming People Pleasing
Yes, it’s possible. But there’s no magic pill. Effective strategies include:
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Setting boundaries
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Owning your wants and needs
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Practicing self-care
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Letting go of guilt, shame, and fear
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Forgiving yourself and finding your voice
A simple yet powerful strategy: learn to say “No.” It’s a two-letter word with life-changing potential.
A Lesson From Nature
One morning, I watched the rain through my bedroom window. A tiny squirrel darted across the fence line, uncaring about neighbors, yet harming no one—just living its life. I thought: “Why can’t we just be squirrels?”
Run along the fence line of life a little more freely. Care less about the judgment of others. Protect yourself. Enjoy the moment.
Be a squirrel—at least the fun part. 🐿️